February 20, 2012

I have been wanting to write for a long while about this subject but haven't found the time since school and work overpower my life. A few months ago, I went to my first Boston Celtics game. Hacky and I had lower level seats and of course I tried to get close to the action. I have to say two things: 

1) Maverick fans are so sweet. I was wearing a PP jersey and no one made me feel uncomfortable about it at all but instead they asked, "Why are you a Celtics fan?" or "Are you from Boston?" I feel every time I get asked this I have to defend my dissertation that I have been working on for the past 20 years of my life. 

Once upon a time, I watched basketball non stop as a little kiddo to my awkward teens and it was something that meant so much to me. It was basically an escape from the troubles of my home life and heroes that could never wrong me. I started out a Jordan fan and who wasn't one? He was amazing, clutch and likable all at the same time. He did "Space Jam" for goodness sakes. I remember watching a play off series between his Bulls and the Indiana Pacers. Reggie Miller was such a villain. I must say I ate it up. I loved how he played the game and from then on I was hooked. Reggie Miller's bad ass/flopping antics made me love the game of basketball. I was so hardcore about them and hated anyone that was in their path. I remember in the 2000 playoffs they played against the Bucks and Ray Allen pushed the Pacers to a deciding game five. At the time, I called Ray every curse word in the book but admired/respected how well he played. From that point on, I was a fan and watched "He Got Game" about 100 times. Also thank you Travis Best for hitting that game winning three to advance us to the second round. As for Paul Pierce, I've always been a fan from the first highlight reel. I had a thing rooting for the underdog and he was mine. I just saw how much effort he would put into every game but it wasn't enough to push the Celtics to greatness. My heart always had a little spot for him ever since he was stabbed and didn't miss a game after that event. The TRUTH. Life/not having cable got in the way of basketball and I had to stop for a little bit. I got back into it when I learned that my childhood heroes were all on one team together (Allen & Pierce) and from that point on it's been Celtic love all the way for me. I don't like to leave Kevin Garnett out of the equation but must say I hated him with a passion when he was with the Wolves. I do appreciate that he's a big and still plays at the top level. You see bigs like J-O & Shaq waste away throughout the years, but I believe that KG still brings it. He may not be as good/intense as he was many years ago but compared to others that have reached the point he is at now I still think he's hanging in there quite well. So from that, I have respect for him but he's not my favorite. I could honestly go on and on about my basketball influences but I'll stop right here :)

2) Another thing about the game was it was the first time I have been overwhelmed with happiness. I decided to move a little closer when they were having shoot arounds during halftime. Ray came out first then everyone else… Seeing Ray & Paul conversing on the sidelines made me cry. Yes I was THAT girl. That night reinforced why I am working so hard in school. This is my dream. Being that close to the action and seeing my heroes in the flesh was indescribable. I couldn't mustard up the words when I sat down and Hacky asked me what was wrong. They were happy tears from having experienced something so amazing and dear to my heart. I probably won't ever see these guys play on the sidelines whenever I graduate and get a desirable job. But this is what I want to do and there's no turning back.  Whenever I have doubts all I have to do is look up the legends that I admired growing up and keep going. Just keep going and I know that one day I'll hopefully get there. 

Older.

Today I realized that I am an adult. It came to me in my psychology class. We were discussing the lifespan for a woman: infancy, childhood, adolescence, emerging adulthood… those years in between our teenage phase and adulthood. The number of this trend is growing as our generation is waiting on getting married/settling down. These are the years you discover yourself and formulate what you want out of this lifetime. I realized today that I'm not at this point in my life anymore. For me, adulthood has always been a scary looming thought. I always thought of it as "real life" and cutting ties with the help you needed in the years previous. But I honestly think that the hardships that we face as "adults" are also present during the "emerging period". The problems that we encounter are what make us into who we are. I often contemplate "I wish I would have done this" or "done this earlier" and I essentially regret a chunk of my past since now that I'm way older than the average college student. But when reflecting back today, I had another view on life's hiccups: If all of the events in my life did not happen the way they sequentially occurred, then I would not be at this point in my life right now. I am the healthiest I have ever been. I have formed relationships with people that are dear to my heart. I am following the dreams I have had since I was 8 years old. I am proud of the person that I have worked so hard to be. These past couple of years, I fought to find my identity without compromising it for anyone.

I have been dreading getting older once someone told me that I was entering my late 20s a year ago. But I feel that life has gotten exponentially better every year and that we all improve with time to learn and grow as people. I'm still trying to figure things out and I don't think this will ever change. It makes life more interesting when you strive for a little more out of life.

How We Part.

Stating "goodbyes aren't easy" is an understatement. They are horrible, difficult, awful and foremost heart breaking… pretty much any word that's a synonym of the ones above describes it a lot more accurately than "aren't easy". It's too simple of a phrase to use on such a heavy weighted event. 

It's been something I have been dreading since July then it was pushed back three times. Each time, I prepared for the worst. I mourned the situation a couple of weeks beforehand in hopes that it would not be as bad as I played it out to be. I must say after my experience of it yesterday it's much worse than the initial anxiety of losing someone you love. I look back and regret that I got caught up in the pre-leave hype and should have relaxed more then freak out the last day and onward. I feel much worse than I did earlier this week. I honestly don't know how long I will stay in this funk and how it will effect my interactions with others. 

I want to say the aftermath is the worst part of this whole situation. Just realizing that someone is gone and they aren't coming back. Knowing that you are alone in this pain of the departure and this will mark your first situation in handling things on your own. For some reason, I stayed at the location where the goodbyes were said. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt like a little girl that was waiting for her lost puppy to come home. I was hoping that maybe just maybe he would come back. I wanted that moment Zach Braff and Natalie Portman had at the end of Garden State. Things don't happen like they do in the movies. Real life is a harsh reality. 

I haven't cried this much since the news of my grandpa passing. I knew that he leaving was going to happen at some point so for a while I have been attempting to accept that fate. The fact is that things are going to be different and we are going to try a little bit harder. I know after a while I will get used to it and hopefully the distance and uncertainty won't overpower us. 

Sweet memories, but that was yesterday.

As I wait for the sheets to dry and traffic to die down, I decided that it's time to pour out my thoughts once again/in need of a distraction from the fact my boyfriend won't be here for the next four days.

Earlier this week a friend asked me, "When you find someone you feel you are 95% compatible with: do you think you should go for it or hold out for the 100%?"
It got me thinking. The obvious choice: hold out for the 100%, but most of us settle for the 95% in hopes that it will pan out and eventually that person will become that 100% for you. Let's be honest friend, the 95% will never be that 100% so don't waste your time. There will be a ton of 95% that you will or will not know that they aren't the full percent but only time will tell and when you start having questions like the one above, let them go. Don't get caught up in that honeymoon period and think that things will return to that stage because let's face the facts they don't. Also discourage thoughts that you're trapped and that this is it... this is the person I'm going to marry. You have the choice to end a relationship if you don't feel the compatibility/happiness/attraction/etc. It's your life and you are the only one that has the ability to change it.

I must say that scariest thing is being alone, but the worst feeling is knowing you aren't with the person you truly love. It's worth being on your own for that period of time. I do not regret taking this plunge and diving into the unfamiliar. There were many times I wanted to give up and settle back into the comfort zone. Now that I look back after this question was posed to me, I honestly would not trade the events that led up to meeting Ryan. All those awful experiences happen for a reason so don't be discouraged. I wish for all of you to find that someone that makes you want to be a better person; always in your thoughts; that you just have the urge to hug every time you see them; makes you smile when you are angry at whatever situation; wants what's best for you; and most of all is a game changer. I must say the best feeling is telling someone you love them and mean it.

The Luckiest.

I'm now convinced that you have to date X number of boys before a good one comes along to really appreciate and know what you have. Think about it: If a good one came around off the bat, how would you know it? Experience, I must say, is essential. This past year (not including the past three months on this one) I have been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, heart broken, humiliated, and the list could honestly go on. But I wouldn't change a thing. 

With each guy I dated, it took me progressively less time to recognize he wasn't right for me. I feel with every distressful failure comes a beneficial lesson and then you move on. Identifying the necessities of your love life and not settling is probably the most significant piece of advice I have acquired so far in dating. 

‎"I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here."

It's come to the point now where I'm the happiest I have been. I'm out of my comfort zone and taking risks, which is unheard of with me since I like to keep things safe. These past three months I have karaoked, prepared food that didn't make someone sick, rode a freaking scary roller coaster (not once but twice in a thirty day period), made new friends with amazing people aka the most social I have ever been in my life/learned that Canadians are awesome, gone to Boston with two of my best friends, rediscovered my love for Dallas, revisited the world of concerts, learned how to maneuver chopsticks, attended a couple of Mavericks play off games, put on a bathing suit/size small for the first time in years, realized that some things in life are worth the effort despite the uncertainty, and I don't think the good times are going to stop here. All in all keeping it positive pays off although the world likes to throw a whole lot of shit our way… just stay strong (& gold) and it will pan out in the end.

This will probably be my last entry on my dating life for a while. I'll think of something else less exciting to write about in the meantime. 

Buzzin' Limitations.

At this point, I'm in the discovery phase of getting to know the pivotal do's and don'ts. DO put yourself out there enough to be fun but still a little mysterious. DON'T over do the fun and vomit in your friend's car when someone you're slightly interested is there. Total jackass mistake. 

I'll attempt to recall a tale that made it into my set of crucial dating rules. I picked up my dry cleaning yesterday and was pleased to see my favorite pair of skinny jeans were safe and stink free. Silver Cleaning saved my jeans. I am forever grateful for this. I had put on these jeans a week ago and it was my second time to sport them. That night it was the first occurrence in about three months I had gone out drinking. I was a beast. I could drink about 8 drinks and refuse making out from any unwanted visitors. For some reason I thought I could be the same girl. Jackass mistake. 

I had about 5 drinks back to back without stopping. I was feeling pretty good and vibing with the guys. I've been told I'm a pretty fun drunk but I found myself to be very sloppy when I'm at the point of no return. Well on this occasion I got to the sloppy phase when we decided to go clubbing. When I get really drunk I tend to knock drinks out of my friend's hands. It's been a reoccurring problem since this was the second time it has happened. Sorry Thuan for the first time. We left immediately after that in fears we would get kicked out. 

Next stop was the Fox & Hound where we met some pretty cool people that bought us deadly shots. My jackass mistake was that I didn't refuse the first shot. That drink sent me beyond the sloppy limit and I had to be escorted to the bathroom each moment I went. The last time I went to the bathroom was the vomit point. It reeked of garlic. DON'T eat garlic before going out for drinks. It doesn't smell good when it's out in the open. Ever. For some odd reason, I was taken to Whataburger and passed out. On the way back to the car, the second and third round of chunks appeared then the fourth round was done in the car. Garlic everywhere. It made itself in the air vents, in between the door and window, my seat, and all over my clothes. The guys stopped to clean me up and then eventually tucked me into bed. 

I washed my pants that night and again in the morning then repeated the action once more but the stench would not leave my pants. I was heartbroken. I brought the wet pair of jeans to the cleaners in hopes of fixing them. I wore them last night on a impromptu date and they feel brand new with the stiffness and the smell of clean. Time for something new and it would be a shame to repeat the same mistakes and ruin these poor jeans again. 

One, Two, Three, Done.

Next summer I really want to travel to England. I'm already thinking about the details in my head since I haven't been overseas in such a long time. In the excitement of planning, I realized that I will be doing this alone. I will be sorting out where to go, flights, living arrangements, time frame, etc by myself. I'm in control of everything and not considering someone else's demands. To describe this feeling in one word: AWESOME. Yes all caps.

After learning this new discovery, I'm now thinking to myself… why would I screw this up? I have been living under someone else rules for so long that I never made my own. I fought so hard for this independence and lately I have been searching for this "perfect" guy to ruin it all. WHAT AM I THINKING? I'm still working on being the individual I desire to be and not be influenced by a "significant other" that requires me to be a certain way. I have been caught up in searching that I haven't taken a breather to realize that I do deserve better. 

I'm starting college in August and want to travel as much as possible. I hope to write and report about basketball as my career. I have had this dream since I was a little girl. Ask anyone I went to elementary school with. Example: I did a science report on kidney transplants because Sean Elliott of the San Antonio Spurs went through one. All these things are important to me and I feel as if I will compromise these ambitions if I were to get seriously involved with another. I need to focus on me. I'm not saying I'm not open to dating, but nothing serious. I still need a subject to write about ;)

DONE.