practice.

I have been wanting to start a blog for a while. I was thinking that I should probably write a little bit more before I become a journalism student. Good idea? So here I am for practicing purposes and documenting the silly things I do.

I feel as if I'm the new kid and should go into a little detail about myself. For those who don't know me or not well enough, I pretty much changed my life last summer. I had broken up with my boyfriend that I had been with for 5 years who was pretty much my life up to that point. We had become one person and I just needed to break out to be an individual, something that's never been done for me. So for the past 8 months, I've been struggling to find myself. It sounds easy but I'll be honest it's one of the hardest things I've ever encountered. I'm one of those people pleasers… I still am but not as intensely as I used to be. Example: I choose careers based on what my mother approved of in hopes that she would be proud of me one day. I'm still in the process of breaking the habit of doing things for others before myself. It's proven to be one of the harder things to change about myself. Also I had some trust issues for a while stemming from your typical drama and secluded myself from the general public but I'm pretty much over that. After hearing some devastating news, I have made it a point to not hold grudges and not be an angry person anymore. Life is too short for such things. I'm a much happier person than I was 10 months ago and truly content with the direction my life is going at the moment.

My other huge task is getting back into the dating game.

Here's my past history before 2010:

1) my high school boyfriend who dumped me on my prom night.

2) dating a friend for a week then he dumps me but give me a t shirt as a parting gift (yes I still have the t shirt, but never have I worn it)

3) a five year relationship that started when I was 20.

…And that's it.

So I'm basically dating challenged. I don't know any of the "rules". All the information I get now is from trial and error and How I Met Your Mother. That show I swear offers some good tips! My first experience back into this complicated game is definitely one that I wasn't ready for and just jumped into out of sheer excitement. I was filling in a void and trying to construct something that wasn't going to happen. I knew it but still continued in hopes that things would eventually pan out. They obviously didn't but it's an event that jump started making decisions based on what I wanted and for that I'm grateful. After all of this, I tried internet dating. Avoid avoid avoid. I'm sure it works for a lot of people but I'm not a fan. I did make a couple of good normal friends so I can't completely put it down. But my decision to stop this was after being recognized twice in public. Again not a fan of being called by my screen name in person. So I moved on to a person I have been crushing on for a while. I've always said he looked good on paper for the type of person I wanted to be with. We went on the BEST date I've ever had in my life. Then I waited the allotted three days to contact him (like the rules indicate) and I'm told before I get my teeth cleaned that he's going to ask out someone else. So for 45 minutes, I had to keep my cool while someone professionally put their hands in and out of my mouth. I was honestly crushed so I stopped dating. I just didn't see the point anymore. I going for the same guy and getting the same combination of treatment/situation all ending in the same result. It's either A) I'm an attractive girl that a guy wants to just bang/make out with. B) I'm just a friend. C) Guys get scared off by relationship mode Ashley, which I'm trying to turn off. Rookie mistake. D) I'm just not interested. E) I'm just too nice. After a two month gap, I'm going to try it again. It's scary to put myself out there to be rejected but it's a risk that I have to take. I'm hoping the experiences that I described will help me in future encounters with men but if not, I can always develop new ones and I will be sure to share them. I have always thought the best reads were about these kinds of subjects.

First blog: completed.

P.S. I'm a handful.