How We Part.

Stating "goodbyes aren't easy" is an understatement. They are horrible, difficult, awful and foremost heart breaking… pretty much any word that's a synonym of the ones above describes it a lot more accurately than "aren't easy". It's too simple of a phrase to use on such a heavy weighted event. 

It's been something I have been dreading since July then it was pushed back three times. Each time, I prepared for the worst. I mourned the situation a couple of weeks beforehand in hopes that it would not be as bad as I played it out to be. I must say after my experience of it yesterday it's much worse than the initial anxiety of losing someone you love. I look back and regret that I got caught up in the pre-leave hype and should have relaxed more then freak out the last day and onward. I feel much worse than I did earlier this week. I honestly don't know how long I will stay in this funk and how it will effect my interactions with others. 

I want to say the aftermath is the worst part of this whole situation. Just realizing that someone is gone and they aren't coming back. Knowing that you are alone in this pain of the departure and this will mark your first situation in handling things on your own. For some reason, I stayed at the location where the goodbyes were said. I stayed for 30 minutes. I felt like a little girl that was waiting for her lost puppy to come home. I was hoping that maybe just maybe he would come back. I wanted that moment Zach Braff and Natalie Portman had at the end of Garden State. Things don't happen like they do in the movies. Real life is a harsh reality. 

I haven't cried this much since the news of my grandpa passing. I knew that he leaving was going to happen at some point so for a while I have been attempting to accept that fate. The fact is that things are going to be different and we are going to try a little bit harder. I know after a while I will get used to it and hopefully the distance and uncertainty won't overpower us. 

Sweet memories, but that was yesterday.

As I wait for the sheets to dry and traffic to die down, I decided that it's time to pour out my thoughts once again/in need of a distraction from the fact my boyfriend won't be here for the next four days.

Earlier this week a friend asked me, "When you find someone you feel you are 95% compatible with: do you think you should go for it or hold out for the 100%?"
It got me thinking. The obvious choice: hold out for the 100%, but most of us settle for the 95% in hopes that it will pan out and eventually that person will become that 100% for you. Let's be honest friend, the 95% will never be that 100% so don't waste your time. There will be a ton of 95% that you will or will not know that they aren't the full percent but only time will tell and when you start having questions like the one above, let them go. Don't get caught up in that honeymoon period and think that things will return to that stage because let's face the facts they don't. Also discourage thoughts that you're trapped and that this is it... this is the person I'm going to marry. You have the choice to end a relationship if you don't feel the compatibility/happiness/attraction/etc. It's your life and you are the only one that has the ability to change it.

I must say that scariest thing is being alone, but the worst feeling is knowing you aren't with the person you truly love. It's worth being on your own for that period of time. I do not regret taking this plunge and diving into the unfamiliar. There were many times I wanted to give up and settle back into the comfort zone. Now that I look back after this question was posed to me, I honestly would not trade the events that led up to meeting Ryan. All those awful experiences happen for a reason so don't be discouraged. I wish for all of you to find that someone that makes you want to be a better person; always in your thoughts; that you just have the urge to hug every time you see them; makes you smile when you are angry at whatever situation; wants what's best for you; and most of all is a game changer. I must say the best feeling is telling someone you love them and mean it.

The Luckiest.

I'm now convinced that you have to date X number of boys before a good one comes along to really appreciate and know what you have. Think about it: If a good one came around off the bat, how would you know it? Experience, I must say, is essential. This past year (not including the past three months on this one) I have been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, heart broken, humiliated, and the list could honestly go on. But I wouldn't change a thing. 

With each guy I dated, it took me progressively less time to recognize he wasn't right for me. I feel with every distressful failure comes a beneficial lesson and then you move on. Identifying the necessities of your love life and not settling is probably the most significant piece of advice I have acquired so far in dating. 

‎"I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here."

It's come to the point now where I'm the happiest I have been. I'm out of my comfort zone and taking risks, which is unheard of with me since I like to keep things safe. These past three months I have karaoked, prepared food that didn't make someone sick, rode a freaking scary roller coaster (not once but twice in a thirty day period), made new friends with amazing people aka the most social I have ever been in my life/learned that Canadians are awesome, gone to Boston with two of my best friends, rediscovered my love for Dallas, revisited the world of concerts, learned how to maneuver chopsticks, attended a couple of Mavericks play off games, put on a bathing suit/size small for the first time in years, realized that some things in life are worth the effort despite the uncertainty, and I don't think the good times are going to stop here. All in all keeping it positive pays off although the world likes to throw a whole lot of shit our way… just stay strong (& gold) and it will pan out in the end.

This will probably be my last entry on my dating life for a while. I'll think of something else less exciting to write about in the meantime. 

Buzzin' Limitations.

At this point, I'm in the discovery phase of getting to know the pivotal do's and don'ts. DO put yourself out there enough to be fun but still a little mysterious. DON'T over do the fun and vomit in your friend's car when someone you're slightly interested is there. Total jackass mistake. 

I'll attempt to recall a tale that made it into my set of crucial dating rules. I picked up my dry cleaning yesterday and was pleased to see my favorite pair of skinny jeans were safe and stink free. Silver Cleaning saved my jeans. I am forever grateful for this. I had put on these jeans a week ago and it was my second time to sport them. That night it was the first occurrence in about three months I had gone out drinking. I was a beast. I could drink about 8 drinks and refuse making out from any unwanted visitors. For some reason I thought I could be the same girl. Jackass mistake. 

I had about 5 drinks back to back without stopping. I was feeling pretty good and vibing with the guys. I've been told I'm a pretty fun drunk but I found myself to be very sloppy when I'm at the point of no return. Well on this occasion I got to the sloppy phase when we decided to go clubbing. When I get really drunk I tend to knock drinks out of my friend's hands. It's been a reoccurring problem since this was the second time it has happened. Sorry Thuan for the first time. We left immediately after that in fears we would get kicked out. 

Next stop was the Fox & Hound where we met some pretty cool people that bought us deadly shots. My jackass mistake was that I didn't refuse the first shot. That drink sent me beyond the sloppy limit and I had to be escorted to the bathroom each moment I went. The last time I went to the bathroom was the vomit point. It reeked of garlic. DON'T eat garlic before going out for drinks. It doesn't smell good when it's out in the open. Ever. For some odd reason, I was taken to Whataburger and passed out. On the way back to the car, the second and third round of chunks appeared then the fourth round was done in the car. Garlic everywhere. It made itself in the air vents, in between the door and window, my seat, and all over my clothes. The guys stopped to clean me up and then eventually tucked me into bed. 

I washed my pants that night and again in the morning then repeated the action once more but the stench would not leave my pants. I was heartbroken. I brought the wet pair of jeans to the cleaners in hopes of fixing them. I wore them last night on a impromptu date and they feel brand new with the stiffness and the smell of clean. Time for something new and it would be a shame to repeat the same mistakes and ruin these poor jeans again. 

One, Two, Three, Done.

Next summer I really want to travel to England. I'm already thinking about the details in my head since I haven't been overseas in such a long time. In the excitement of planning, I realized that I will be doing this alone. I will be sorting out where to go, flights, living arrangements, time frame, etc by myself. I'm in control of everything and not considering someone else's demands. To describe this feeling in one word: AWESOME. Yes all caps.

After learning this new discovery, I'm now thinking to myself… why would I screw this up? I have been living under someone else rules for so long that I never made my own. I fought so hard for this independence and lately I have been searching for this "perfect" guy to ruin it all. WHAT AM I THINKING? I'm still working on being the individual I desire to be and not be influenced by a "significant other" that requires me to be a certain way. I have been caught up in searching that I haven't taken a breather to realize that I do deserve better. 

I'm starting college in August and want to travel as much as possible. I hope to write and report about basketball as my career. I have had this dream since I was a little girl. Ask anyone I went to elementary school with. Example: I did a science report on kidney transplants because Sean Elliott of the San Antonio Spurs went through one. All these things are important to me and I feel as if I will compromise these ambitions if I were to get seriously involved with another. I need to focus on me. I'm not saying I'm not open to dating, but nothing serious. I still need a subject to write about ;)

DONE. 

Where all the hotties hide.

First off, the title of this post is all Thuan. It doesn't go with the entry at all but it made me laugh and I liked it. 

In the midsts of changing myself into who I want to be, I fortunately have recently modified the type of guy I'm looking for. The two month gap served a reevaluating series of events that I did not expect. I'm actually okay with dating an adult. There's a huge separation between the men and the boys that I never realized until now. I thought every guy was the coated the same but no there's different mature ones that in essence treat you with the respect a woman needs. Those are defined as the "keepers" and at my age, most of them have been married off. 

I have found one of these guys. I didn't know of any of this written above until now after the fact so I didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. Everything was equal. The effort I was putting in was being put back into me. I have never experienced that and it was good switch of pace. It was never one side. Never have I had someone treat me with so much respect as well. I've never been told by someone I was interested in that I was beautiful. I've always had the "you're hot" comments and the rush of wanting to be physical. All in all, it was at a level field and respectful. It wasn't what I was use to but I liked it.  

Once you screw up that balance, you can't go back. Expectations are formed and full filling them gets harder with time. I always find myself putting forth most of the energy in a relationship where I'm basically buying your love in hopes that you would do that same. It never is returned as the same or how you want it to be reciprocated. So for the little time I got to encounter this I realized that I'm an adult now and need an adult male that will take care of me as well as I take care of him. It's good to know that there are guys like this in the world so there is hope. 

practice.

I have been wanting to start a blog for a while. I was thinking that I should probably write a little bit more before I become a journalism student. Good idea? So here I am for practicing purposes and documenting the silly things I do.

I feel as if I'm the new kid and should go into a little detail about myself. For those who don't know me or not well enough, I pretty much changed my life last summer. I had broken up with my boyfriend that I had been with for 5 years who was pretty much my life up to that point. We had become one person and I just needed to break out to be an individual, something that's never been done for me. So for the past 8 months, I've been struggling to find myself. It sounds easy but I'll be honest it's one of the hardest things I've ever encountered. I'm one of those people pleasers… I still am but not as intensely as I used to be. Example: I choose careers based on what my mother approved of in hopes that she would be proud of me one day. I'm still in the process of breaking the habit of doing things for others before myself. It's proven to be one of the harder things to change about myself. Also I had some trust issues for a while stemming from your typical drama and secluded myself from the general public but I'm pretty much over that. After hearing some devastating news, I have made it a point to not hold grudges and not be an angry person anymore. Life is too short for such things. I'm a much happier person than I was 10 months ago and truly content with the direction my life is going at the moment.

My other huge task is getting back into the dating game.

Here's my past history before 2010:

1) my high school boyfriend who dumped me on my prom night.

2) dating a friend for a week then he dumps me but give me a t shirt as a parting gift (yes I still have the t shirt, but never have I worn it)

3) a five year relationship that started when I was 20.

…And that's it.

So I'm basically dating challenged. I don't know any of the "rules". All the information I get now is from trial and error and How I Met Your Mother. That show I swear offers some good tips! My first experience back into this complicated game is definitely one that I wasn't ready for and just jumped into out of sheer excitement. I was filling in a void and trying to construct something that wasn't going to happen. I knew it but still continued in hopes that things would eventually pan out. They obviously didn't but it's an event that jump started making decisions based on what I wanted and for that I'm grateful. After all of this, I tried internet dating. Avoid avoid avoid. I'm sure it works for a lot of people but I'm not a fan. I did make a couple of good normal friends so I can't completely put it down. But my decision to stop this was after being recognized twice in public. Again not a fan of being called by my screen name in person. So I moved on to a person I have been crushing on for a while. I've always said he looked good on paper for the type of person I wanted to be with. We went on the BEST date I've ever had in my life. Then I waited the allotted three days to contact him (like the rules indicate) and I'm told before I get my teeth cleaned that he's going to ask out someone else. So for 45 minutes, I had to keep my cool while someone professionally put their hands in and out of my mouth. I was honestly crushed so I stopped dating. I just didn't see the point anymore. I going for the same guy and getting the same combination of treatment/situation all ending in the same result. It's either A) I'm an attractive girl that a guy wants to just bang/make out with. B) I'm just a friend. C) Guys get scared off by relationship mode Ashley, which I'm trying to turn off. Rookie mistake. D) I'm just not interested. E) I'm just too nice. After a two month gap, I'm going to try it again. It's scary to put myself out there to be rejected but it's a risk that I have to take. I'm hoping the experiences that I described will help me in future encounters with men but if not, I can always develop new ones and I will be sure to share them. I have always thought the best reads were about these kinds of subjects.

First blog: completed.

P.S. I'm a handful.